


dirty paws and tender lungs.

by loveworn



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Multi, bella is single in this fic ok, lots of character analyzation and why they make the choices they do bc it just interests me a lot, more tags to come but i don't wanna spoil anything, not a hate fic but will be critical of each character bc they're human and make mistakes u know, tw for medical imagery, well well well if it isn't the consequences of everybody's actions, will have streamer!emmett bc smallestkyle lives rent free in my head
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveworn/pseuds/loveworn
Summary: Leave your baggage here because we'll need it when you're gone.Or, Twilight: Eclipse, if Bella didn't forgive Edward immediately nor choose Jacob, if Jacob's circle of friends extended beyond Bella and the pack, and all truly began to confront the consequences of their actions for others, allowing themselves room to grow.
Relationships: Embry Call/Paul Lahote, Leah Clearwater/Angela Weber, previous Bella Swan/Edward Cullen
Comments: 23
Kudos: 61





	1. prologue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my eclipse rewrite fic, this prologue covers the events of new moon and the changes i'm making there. i hope you enjoy, thank you for reading!
> 
> written listening to: old black train - over the garden wall.

In Forks, Washington, Bella Swan finds two motorcycles and takes them to the first person she thinks of, Jacob Black. There is a pain within her chest that she can’t seem to shift, something like concrete within her veins, grief that won’t leave. It’s a stupid idea; she knows that but she can’t help herself, she needs something to take her mind off of her pain, a reason to keep her getting out of her house. She heard his voice, once, and she doesn’t know if she wants to hear it again, but with him, she hears nothing. Her mind is finally her own, and thoughts and dreams begin to bloom within her, and she plants a garden of poetry, writes stories to read Jacob while he works on that Rabbit car of his. She feels normal, finally, a world filled with humans, no more vampires and monsters (oh my!), she is finally free in her own way. Finally equal, finally alive.

And then, it crashes down again. She is no longer surrounded by humans, and it scares her, makes her wonder if she is just some kind of supernatural creature magnet. For a moment, she blames herself, wondering if she has ruined Jacob’s life in some way, somehow. But she hasn’t, it was never her. The Cullens are why, and she feels pain for her new friends, their lives uprooted and thrown away like they never mattered because of one family that decided to move back.

This is the first seed.

But she perseveres, and she finds a home, a family with wolves. They don’t discuss like she isn’t there like her thoughts don’t matter, and she becomes accustomed to picnics in the woods with wolves, they take her cliff diving. She doesn’t hear his voice, not even a whisper. She is not healed, not yet, but those cracks have begun to seal, and she wipes seawater from her face and laughs, truly laughs, for the first time in months.

It is uprooted when she returns home to find Alice Cullen, panicked, her future had disappeared. And then she is forced to leave, to go and save the man who abandoned her with nothing left, and it hurts, oh god it feels like fire fills her heart, but she cannot be responsible for that weight being placed on her. So she goes, and he returns.

She tells him she needs time to consider, to swallow this bitter taste fully. Bella Swan has so much more than just one man.

-

In La Push, Washington, Jacob Black sets his sights on a new project. Well, two really. One is mechanical, and the other is human. Bella Swan needs healing, and he is her friend, he can do this. He will do this. Love has always been in his nature, a yearning for love consumed him in his loneliness, in the absence of his sisters, so desperate to escape something he didn’t know. Bella has been left behind too, but he will not let her be abandoned. He has never been one to leave things alone once he focuses on them. And then one night his body shifts and changes and he is scared, oh so scared. What is wrong with him? Is he some kind of monster?

No. He could never be that, Sam tells him, calms him down until he is human once more, and he cannot stop shaking. He’s just a fucking kid, and now this was forced upon him, all because of one family that apparently couldn’t go anywhere else. He wonders for a moment if they realise the ripples of the stone they have thrown in this pond, before brushing it off, of course they don’t. They left, they didn’t care. And he leaves Bella too, he has to, to keep her safe, and once he learns the truth, he wonders if Edward did the same thing, told Bella it was to keep her safe. He wonders if he took that healing wound and personally ripped it apart once more, leaving the threads of sutures scattered all over the ground.

This is the second seed.

How does he belong, really? Is this truly to be his family? Yes. Of course, it is, it could never be anything else, and he is tethered to them so tightly he wonders how he never saw it before. Bella joins them eventually, and she slips in easily, becomes part of their mismatched gang of friends, and he has never felt warmer; that yearn begins to fade away, a carefully encouraged candlelight rather than a fire. And then Bella leaves, and it explodes. He knows why knows it is her own stupid compassionate nature, she cannot let the world be rid of a monster because of her. He waits, with bated breath, wondering when she’ll come back if she’ll come back on his arm once more. He wonders if he was nothing more than a time filler.

He isn’t, and she returns by herself, and he breathes a sigh of relief slowly, though as her visits do not return, he takes a careful step into the future, wondering if he has condemned himself to nothing but the pack in his own selfish decision to protect her.

-

Somewhere else, a girl lies in a hospital bed, an intubation tube in her throat, foreign lungs in her chest, as she looks over the letters her parents brought to give her something to do in this empty white room. Most of them are from Seth, Leah, some even from Emily. The rest had tapered off slowly over time. She had left shortly before Bella Swan arrived, Carlisle Cullen pulling strings to get her into some trial for new cystic fibrosis drugs. A fat lot of good that had done, it had only left her needing new lungs sooner. But at least Bella seemed to have better luck with her own biology partner, and she wished she could laugh as she read Jacob’s letter about the gossip in town.

But he didn’t write anymore. So many of those she grew up with didn’t. One by one, they’d slowly faded away to nothing, and she wondered if they were preparing for her to be gone permanently, nothing but the ghost of a memory.  _ Don’t cry, don’t cry, you can’t cry, this machine does not have a setting for crying _ . But she wishes she could. She didn’t tell them about her transplant, not even those who still wrote. She had sent a letter asking some of them that didn’t write any more to come up and visit, a final hesitant step. Nobody had answered. She’d made her arrangements, of course, all of it, in a folder in her room for her parents, just in case. She wondered for a moment if that was even worth it, would there even be people to come and say goodbye?

This is the third seed.

Months are spent regaining strength, in and out of the hospital, staying as long as possible to ensure she was truly ready to leave. She writes to Seth and Leah when her parents tell her they are returning home, they should know, and she knows they’ll tell Emily.

Eventually, she shifts uncomfortably in her car as she sits parked, hearing loud excited sounds from those she had once seen as extended family, all gone now, just out of reach. And there is someone new there, Bella Swan, it’s easy to see the resemblance between her and Charlie. There was no point interrupting really, there would be another time, and she wasn’t ready for this.

And as she drives away, Charlene Burkle wonders if it was always in the cards of her life to be left. Maybe it was kinder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed!


	2. i've got something here, it's a chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here we have chapter one! after a lot of research for this fic as i am not indigenous, i have decided to change some canon, this will mainly be in relation to the wolf pack due to meyer's disrespectful portrayals of their culture and multiple problematic themes contained within her portrayal of them. if this is something that's going to bother you because you prefer fics to stick strictly to canon, consider yourself warned. there will be more changes as the fic goes on, but the majority are mainly in line with making the portrayal of the wolf pack more appropriate and respectful, and a bit more logical in terms of how things work in the universe (in my opinion anyway). 
> 
> while i have your attention, if you're able, please donate to the fund to help the Quileute tribe move to higher ground, you can find more information at mthg.org, and if you can't afford to do so, at least share it around to people who maybe can!
> 
> written listening to: hours were the birds by adrianne lenker & wait for me from hadestown.

In her bedroom, Bella Swan let out a sigh, trying to force all her worry out with it, trying to will herself to know the right decision more surely than she already thought she did. She couldn’t go back to Edward, she knew she couldn’t. He would tell her she couldn’t see Jacob and the pack, and she didn’t want that. She couldn’t _do_ that. She couldn’t pick and choose parts of her life to keep. It was cruel to ask her to do. It had taken her a long time to realize that, all those months he was gone… the pack never told her what to do, they let her have the freedom she had craved back in Phoenix. Even with Charlie, they would come over and help her meal prep as often as they could after she’d mentioned how she cooked for him often, trying to help take that weight off her shoulders, trying to hand her more freedom. A smile tugged at her lips at the memory. They were always eager to help, everywhere. Even Charlie, all he had to do was call up Sam, and the pack was there to help out with whatever community project was going on. It was Sam’s doing, he wanted them known in case anyone ever got into trouble and needed help.

It worked well, to say the least. Almost everyone in town knew them, they’d helped kids find their way home from the forest when they wandered off the trail, and they were certainly more well-liked than the Cullen’s. It was a fact they took pride in. She’d been blinded before, to the attitudes of the town, the way they thought Carlisle and his family was nice, but resented them for their aloof behaviour and attitudes, mutterings of wonder about how such a warm father could have raised such children. It explained why people had shied away from Bella for so long, she was one of them, in their eyes, not quite other but not quite part of the crowd. And she was tired of it.

She wanted to be her own person, and the thought drew a sigh from her lungs as she slammed closed a notebook she had been writing pros and cons in. She didn’t _want_ to make this choice, she wanted to have all the people she loved in her life, but it seemed like an impossible choice. If she told Edward she wanted to experience life as a human, without being his girlfriend, would he just leave again? Would he take Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and the other members of his family she had grown so close with? If she picked him, she would lose Jacob, and if she picked Jacob, she _knew_ they’d leave. Edward wouldn’t want to stay and watch her with someone else. And truthfully, she wasn’t sure she wanted to date **either** of them. It had taken a long talk with her mother to realize that maybe she just wanted to live life by herself for a while, just being friends with the people she loved.

Most of all, she wanted to write. She had dismissed the idea at first, it was so hard to get a job in that field, and she wanted to be practical. She wanted to have sure opportunities, a solid footing below her feet, but the past few months… she’d allowed herself to explore her talents, fallen in love with the idea of creating stories and telling them. She missed reading to the pack in the evenings around a bonfire, enjoying their gasps and reactions in all the right places, and she couldn’t do that if she was dealing with supernatural drama all the time.

She _needed_ more time, to think, to be sure, and she’d made that clear to Edward, tried to tell Jacob, but he was never home, and she didn’t feel like having that conversation with Billy. He and Charlie were far too comfortable gossiping like old women, she was shocked they didn’t have weekly afternoon tea dates to catch up on the gossip from their respective communities. And that was the crux of it really, she didn’t want to lose Charlie. And he trusted her to make her own choices, to know her own mind. She couldn’t let him be burdened with this. And it was with a sigh she let her pen fall on the desk, standing finally, hearing her knee joints crack like glow sticks as she stood and moved to the window.

Well, _think of the devil, and he shall appear_. There was Jacob Black, waving from the ground, gesturing he wanted to come up. Maybe it would help, so she nodded, trying to ignore how eager he looked, that boyish joy written all over his face, that shine set in those dark brown eyes resting above prominent cheekbones. She was cruel for pushing him away, she knew that, but at first it had just been too difficult, a war inside her mind, splitting her down the middle. But, now she could focus and confront it. She could do better. And he was up the stairs faster than she thought, and his arms pulled her in tightly. 

“Hey Bells, I missed you.” he kissed the top of her head gently, entirely friendly, just glad to have his friend back with him, and she can’t help but laugh, the sound filling the room.

“You’d miss me if I just went to the shops, and you know it.” it’s a playful joke.

“You have no proof, you’ll never convict!” he exclaimed as he let her go, and his smile reached his eyes and she realized with a rush she missed it more than she’d thought. 

“So, catch me up on what I’ve missed with the boys.”

And he did, telling her about Quil having a new girlfriend at school, how Embry had started repairing his own vintage car, and Seth, oh dear Seth. Apparently, he'd decided the wolf pack needed a pet dog, and wouldn't stop bringing them up at every opportunity in an attempt to get someone to adopt one just to make him shut up. Sam was apparently less than impressed by this, but let it slide for the most part. It was becoming something of an in-joke, apparently, though the line had been drawn at calling their pack ‘the Scooby gang’. A shame, Bella thought, she would’ve liked to see that.

“Now, your turn,” he seemed eager, and Bella hated to let him down, but she didn’t want to lie.

“I haven’t done much, really, just been sitting here and thinking about colleges, what I want to do,” she shrugged slightly, it wasn’t the entire truth, but it was enough.

“What are you thinking of studying? You wanted to be a teacher, right?” she was surprised he remembered.

“I think I’m going to study Creative Writing and Publishing, I thought… maybe I could be a writer,” it felt odd to say, but right in another way, like it was what she was meant to do.

“I like that, you’ll be great at it,” there was a complete sincerity there that made her heart ache for the weeks she’d missed with him, and she leaned over to hug him in thanks, words escaping her.

“Thanks, Jacob. What prompted your visit today anyway?” suddenly, she wondered if something bad had happened, dismissing it as she remembered the joy in his features at seeing her.

“I just missed you, and I’d heard you haven’t been out much. I was worried. I thought maybe… he wasn’t letting you see me.” 

“Jacob, I haven’t seen him since I got back. Any of them, actually. I just need some time to figure out what I want. Separate from any of you.” 

His face fell, for a moment, before he lit up again. “Look at you, standing up for yourself all mature-like. But I’m still ahead of you in our metaphorical ages,” he teased lightly, though there was an undercurrent of pain in the words, he knew. 

It was a good choice on her part, he knew that. Knew she was making the right decision for herself, but he knew, deep down, she’d probably end up back with the blood-suckers. He wasn’t going to be Edward, he wasn’t going to tell her what to choose, or what to do. He wouldn’t do that to her, wouldn’t put her in that position. All he could really do is hope she chose for herself, not for anyone else.

“I’ll overtake you eventually. But for now, I have to cook dinner, so you need to go home,” it wasn’t unkind, and he mock saluted as he stood, embracing her one more time.

“Just call me when you’re ready, ok?” even just to tell me you’re leaving, he left unsaid, not wanting to put that weight on her. She nodded, saluting back as she shooed him down the stairs and out of the house. 

It felt like far too long of a walk back to his motorcycle, and he couldn’t help but wonder if this would be his last time here. He knew, perhaps better than her, if she chose the Cullen’s, he wouldn’t be allowed back, even if she wanted to see him. The vampires saw them as vicious, violent, unpredictable. He hated it, none of them had done anything to deserve it, when their own kind was entirely uncontrollable at first, killing without mercy. They took lives as it suited them, even Carlisle. Sure, he picked people without a choice, but in doing so, he took away their choice, their right to say no, their right to deny themselves that existence. Some would prefer death, surely, but they were never allowed to say it, never allowed to say no. He wondered if any of them resented the man for it, if they looked at the humanity ripped from them and felt disgusted in his choice, disgust at themselves. He almost felt sorry for them.

 _Almost_.

But they continued, and in doing so, put everyone wherever they visited in danger. It didn’t matter if they chose animals as their meals, even then, they left the carcasses behind them, a waste, discarded for someone else to clean up. Always waiting for someone else to clean up. They did nothing but draw attention to themselves with their attitudes, never befriending anyone, never making connections, always aloof. For people who so desperately wanted to stay innocuous, they did a pretty shit job at it. It was surprising they hadn’t been noticed yet, really, that nobody had put it together. He would’ve thought Angela, that friend of Bella’s, would’ve been perceptive enough to put it together, but seemingly not. Maybe eventually she would, and they could be free of the Cullens.

So many of the pack had been ripped from their lives, forced into a duty they never asked for, even if they found joy in their new family. Soon, younger and younger kids would be changing, now that the family had returned once more. The longer they stayed, the more wolves there would be, distant relatives from the other tribes would be forced into the pack. It was a horrific thought, to think of children forced into those changes in their body. It had been easier for him, as he grew a bit more, began gaining muscle more easily, but it would be terrifying for a child to be confronted with that reality, to feel that body rip itself apart and knit itself back together in an entirely new form. To know the dangers that lurked in the shadows could tear someone apart if they weren’t ready. It had almost destroyed him.

 **Almost**.

But, not quite. It was never complete, never a clean break. It was just splinters, cracks, spreading further and further until there was so little holding it together, just duct-tape and hope, really. In the end, that was all there was keeping them together, hope. Hope that eventually, the Cullens would leave, that they could go back to some kind of normal life, but that hope faded the longer they stayed. It was hard enough as it was, to grapple with who he was and who he had become. The thoughts were like an anvil in his head, wondering where to go from here. 

Emily’s. The home she and Sam shared was comforting, warm, with an air of serenity around it. It was home when nowhere else felt that way, they were always welcome, no matter the time or day. She was like a mother to most of them, a big sister to others. As soon as they phased back after the first transformation, she was there, with a hot drink and food, a calming voice, and the most earnest eyes Jacob had ever seen. He could see how Sam appreciated it, how they ignored her scars.

She’d gotten them a few years back, volunteering at a vets practice, a dog had reacted badly to something, slashing down her face. It had never bothered Emily, and with Seth’s latest discovery of wolves and dogs, she’d joined in just slightly, theorizing that it was just foreshadowing for how important dogs would be in her life, teasing the boys Jacob knew she saw as sons. From her, it sounded sweeter than Seth’s attempts to joke, and he stifled a chuckle as he reached his destination, dismounting his bike, leaving it standing outside. It wasn’t raining yet, he could move it later. Right now, he wanted to see his pack.

“Bella’s fine,” he called as he walked in, knowing they’d be curious about the outcome of his visit. He wouldn’t say more, wouldn’t betray her trust until the next time he phased and had no choice. He hated that part, how their thoughts were linked. It came in handy, he could see the practical use, but it felt uncomfortable, it took away their privacy in a way. It had forced Leah to come out as a lesbian without any say, revealing the long mysterious reason she and Sam had broken up.

The anger had been an act in the end, but she seemed happier now, with the reassurance they accepted her and help from a professional to work through her grief and self-hatred over her father’s death. Yet she still scowled as he poked her in the cheek as he walked in, they were friends again, tentative, but getting better each day, the tether between them strengthening. 

“Good,” Sam’s words were short, and Emily nodded in agreement.

“I do miss her. Hopefully, she can visit soon. She’s the only one of you lot that doesn’t suck my kitchen dry,” but there was a playful smile on Emily’s lips, and Seth fixed her with his best puppy dog eyes, a quivering lip.

“Does this mean we’re in the dog house?” he was trying his best to sound distraught, but it was easy to see through, and Jared tried (and failed) to contain a snort, earning him an elbow in the ribs from Embry, who was joining Seth in the forlorn staring.

“You’ll have to let me think about it,” Emily sighed dramatically, a hand over her heart.

“Jokes aside, we need to sort out patrols for tonight. We don’t know when the redhead will come back, and we need to be ready,” Sam sighed, leaning back in his chair. He hated this part, hated looking at all these young faces and asking them to put themselves in danger. They were younger and younger with each shift, and he dared not think of when it would stop. Children had no place in this war between them and the vampires, they deserved to be safe at home, but there was nothing to be done to change it now.

“Seth, you’re in this area,” he drew a circle on the town map in front of him. “Jacob, here,” and so it went until they all knew their duties. Until they knew where they were going, what to look for. He trusted them. They were like family now, his pack. It was a responsibility he had never asked for, never even really wanted, but Jacob hadn’t wanted it either, not when it was offered, so he persevered, he kept going. There was no other road to take, not now. He had tentative respect for the Cullens, though he never took an eye off of them, not really, there was always the possibility they would snap, lose control, and cause nothing but destruction in their wake.

They had done enough damage when they left, leaving Bella Swan in the woods. Sam had been worried, at first, a part of him fearing their return would make things even worse, and he was glad to see the young woman was doing well. She had become one of them, in a sense. Not one of the pack, necessarily, but a part of the group, it was nice, to have someone they didn’t have to hide with for once, though it had been unbearable to listen to Jacob pining, was still unbearable. 

Seth got it the worst, really. He was still young, still not used to tuning their voices out, and as much as Sam tried to keep him home studying, Seth needed to learn control, needed to learn to manage himself, and the young boy had used that to his advantage, volunteering for patrols, to watch out. Leah, of course, insisted on being with him, but it didn’t always work that way. Seth couldn’t always rely on Leah, not when there was a coven of vampires so close, all of them needed to be ready and willing to act on their own. But there was more to it, really.

Seth was desperate to prove himself, to prove to himself that this transformation was more than what killed his father, that it could be good for something. And he needed something to do, something to take his mind off of the loss. Even now, sitting at the table, he and Leah stood out with shorter hair compared to that of the others' long braids. It hadn’t been his first haircut following the loss of a family member, but this had felt different somehow. He wondered for a moment, did it have something to do with the dreams that wouldn’t leave him? Dreams of seeing his sister turn into a wolf, following her shortly after as their father lay there on the ground, leaving them behind. He held back a shudder as he looked out of the window, seeing the sun begin to set.

“Almost time to set off,” he piped up, that cheery tone in his voice still. It rarely left, he wouldn’t let it, someone needed to lift the somber expressions, even just a little bit, and he couldn’t leave it all to Emily. Tonight would be quiet, he suspected, the redhead usually took a while before coming back again, and they’d chased her off just the night before. It was why Jacob had gone to see Bella, really. They all knew it, deep down, they knew any time there was a threat he would go running to her and it was becoming a problem. How could you rely on your packmate when his priority was someone else?

It wasn’t love, no. Seth had seen love, seen it in Leah’s eyes with her first girlfriend, seen it in the way his parents looked at each other. What Jacob felt was an obsession, and it was beginning to have an effect on all of them, stuck in his head.

“Last one to the forest has to get me a baby labrador!” he exclaimed quickly, tearing off, knowing Embry and Quil would be close behind him, and he stuck his tongue out at Leah as she surpassed him. It was getting easier, slowly, to feel at home here.

The forest was home, in a sense, nothing but the hum of the night and the thoughts of his pack to keep Seth company as he padded forward. It was a comfort, in a way, to get some peace, to be surrounded by his friends. To feel held.

_Aww, good to know you love us, Seth._

Leah’s voice was clear, that slightly amused tinge seeping in as it often did, and if he could’ve rolled his eyes, he would’ve. Sometimes it wasn’t comfortable for him, to be surrounded by the feelings of others, to see their memories flash through their minds as they thought of them. But it was usually pleasant, usually memories he enjoyed. An insight into their lives, strengthening their bond, tethering them together even more strongly than before the shift.

_Anyone got anything?_

Sam meant business, as usual, and Seth paused, his ears standing up, scanning dutifully, and he heard it, in the distance, just a hint of something, some noise. 

_Let me check it out._

He was off before they could object, careful quiet strides as he moved closer, always so eager to prove himself, to prove he was worthy of his role within this pack. He felt the tension leave his muscles as he realized it was just music, just someone in their backyard playing something, and though he turned his head, it felt all too eerily familiar. Memories rushed through his head, of group sleepovers, of a girl with a guitar singing him to sleep, teaching him to play, singing terribly along to her car radio with him. Until she’d had to leave, had to go to a hospital somewhere else. Charlene Burkle had been gone for over a year, nothing but letters there for him, even as the others joined Sam, leaving him wondering why he was alone. 

And now he was stuck waiting, wondering when she would finally return home, offering something outside of this wolf pack. He needed something more, he needed something familiar, untainted by the death of his father.

_It’s nothing, just music._

He should call, he thought after a moment. See if she was back, see if there was something waiting for him outside of this life, something outside of werewolves, and vampires, and monsters that lurked in the dark, just waiting for the moment your guard was down to snatch you away. There was so much more to this quiet existence of his that would one day fade away, leaving only memories in his wake.

Suddenly, almost too quick to decipher, other memories rushed through his head, memories of letters from their friend left unopened, or pushed to one side. A request to visit was thrown in a trash bin, and Seth shook his head as he continued on his route. 

_You know, you guys kinda suck sometimes._

He hoped they knew keeping loss at arm's length was selfish sometimes. To leave things unsaid was cruel. There was so much unsaid between him and his father, and he would give anything for the chance to say it. Maybe he just had to give them no choice but to make a chance of their own.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it! i hope you enjoyed this chapter, i know i had a lot of fun writing it and exploring bella and her mindset if she'd really begun to move on from edward in 'new moon'. i'm up to chapter 4 with this story, so i'll upload some more soon!
> 
> i hope everyone had a lovely valentine's day, i'm super excited to keep going with this story, i'm really enjoying exploring the characters as people out of their relationships, and the dynamics they have, and i hope you guys enjoy my portrayals too (even if they're a bit canon divergent)!


	3. the less we say about it, the better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was i going to keep to a schedule? yes. did i decide to throw that out of the window to allow myself wiggle room? also yes. i'm getting through the story well and have everything planned out, so i figure i might as well just throw these out as it takes me. i hope you enjoy!
> 
> written listening to: this must by the place by the lumineers, north by sleeping at last, and simple as this by jake bugg.

The decision was made. Finally. But she wanted to see him first, Jacob. Wanted to tell the pack she was sorry, organize some kind of hangout. Bella Swan had had her fill with isolation, and she was finally going to live for herself. Love still had its home within her, it would never really leave. But she needed to explore, needed to have her own adventures, free of fear.

“Going to see Jacob,” she called to Charlie as she passed the kitchen. 

“Good! You need some fresh air,” her father huffed back, but she could hear the smile in his voice, making one of her own tug at the corners of her mouth. He was right, as usual. She needed the company, the smell of the forest, of smoke lingering in the air, her lungs longed for it. 

They had asked her to choose, without ever saying it. And she was going to say no. She would not choose. She was not a puppet. She wasn’t going to play by other people's rules anymore, not when she didn’t even get a say in the creation of them. It was exhausting, to be tugged back and forth, it reminded her far too much of her parent's divorce. But they’d never made her choose, they’d let her make her own decision.

She sighed as she shut the truck door behind her, getting comfortable in the seat. Keys, ignition. And though she expected to hear that truck she loved so much roar to life, it spluttered, gasping for breath, followed by the solid thump of something on the roof above her. “Fucker!” an exclamation of surprise at the noise as she jumped, almost hitting her head on the roof. She’d become unaccustomed to the thumps in their absence, their months of disappearance ‘for her own good’. Bullshit. It struck her how harsh the movement sounded, how violent it almost was, and she struggled to remember how she’d dealt with it. And then Edward Cullen slid in beside her through the window, confronting her with a hardness behind his eyes. It was hard to look at him, glaring like the blinding sun.

“Bella, no. You’re not going to see them. Yes, I know you were going there, Alice saw your future disappear. They’re dangerous,” she resisted the urge to laugh, not unkindly, but there would have been a definite hardness there, a bitterness flowing from her throat.

“And you’re not? They’re my _friends_ , Edward, and you can’t tell me who I can and can’t be friends with,” jaw set, she stared into his yellow eyes, wondering what would flash behind them. But there was nothing. Just like when he’d left her, nothing, no remorse, nothing. She wondered if he’d always looked so empty behind those eyes. If she’d just never seen it before.

“I **can** try and protect you. This isn’t a debate,” like hell it wasn’t. This was her choice to make.

“Edward,” well, better now than later, though she had hoped it could have been later, that she could have had some time to figure out how best to word it, how best to say the words. “I can’t do this with you. I’m not… whatever we were. Not anymore. You left, and that changed everything. I don’t want that anymore. And you wanted me to be human, so I’m going to be human. But I want you and Jacob in my life, because you’re my friends, and so are your families. But it can’t be the way you’re expecting, the way he might want. And you need to accept that.”

“Bella-”

“No! You can’t tell me you want me to be human, you want me to live, all of those things, and now get pissy when I am! You don’t get to make those decisions for me anymore, you never had the right too, but you lost it completely when you left!” the anger was bubbling again, she’d brought it down to a simmer over the past few weeks, put a lid on the pot, and it was shaking in its position as she tightened her grip on the wheel.

“Look, just come over to my place, and we can talk about this properly. All of us. You know our secret, you have to give us time to work out what to do about that if you’re not going to be… with me. You owe us that,” his jaw was set, and he looked angry. Sucks to suck.

“I don’t owe you anything. But if it’ll make you leave me alone, fine. Now fix my fucking truck,” he seemed uncomfortable with her newfound colourful vocabulary, but she was glad to use the emphasis. She hated it when people touched her truck. A lot. It was her truck to mess with, not theirs, and definitely not when it was messed with to control her.

She knew this would probably end with them trying to convince her otherwise, their love for Edward outweighing any friendship she had with any of them just like when Edward had decided they should leave, but she wouldn’t let them, she was steadfast in this, knew her own head. It was the right choice, the only choice. The only choice if she wanted true freedom. 

“Bella-”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, and I am not above driving onto a bridge and pushing you off if you piss me off,” it wasn’t exactly true, but it made him be quiet. Besides, he’d be fine if she did, finally experiencing that gut-wrenching feeling of falling he had left her to sit with for months.

It was too quickly that the house was there, with the big glass walls and the surrounding forest, it looked intimidating even now. She’d hoped for time to think through what to say, hoped she wouldn’t just be relying on her emotions to make the point clear, but maybe that possibility was long gone. Maybe they needed to hear her emotions, truly know how they’d made her feel. Once, the Cullen’s had been intoxicating, pulling her in even when she wanted to get away, but now she could notice that hint of death in the air. The smell of something rotting, stronger the closer she was to Edward. It made her want to recoil. But they weren’t dead, and she wouldn’t insult them like that. She still had affection for some of this family.

Alice greeted them, by the time Bella had stepped out of her truck, fire in her eyes, making her face look like something terrifying, though it seemed directed towards her adopted brother rather than Bella. Thankfully, Bella did not want to argue with the pixie-like woman she still considered a friend. Even if Alice had left, she had come back, to check Bella was safe. It was more than anyone else had done.

“Edward. She’s made her choice. Leave it. I told you so you wouldn’t do exactly what you’re doing right now,” there was a warning there, barely hidden, layered with so many other things Bella couldn’t pinpoint, and she didn’t want to.

“And we should discuss what that means, for us. She knows,” it was lemon juice on a cut, burning right through her skin, a wound reopened and exposed to the cold air as the realisation hit. Now they wanted to include her in a discussion. Not when they left her on the whim of Edward, now she was choosing for herself. And it hit her suddenly. They wouldn’t kill her, nor turn her, there was nothing they could really do about her knowledge. He just wanted her here to try and change her mind.

“It’ll be a short discussion,” she muttered, realizing Edward had a hand on her shoulder, and she shoved herself forward, letting the door bang as she went inside, feeling a pang of guilt for Carlisle and Esme, it was their house really, not the subject for her to take her anger out on.

They were there already, all of them in the living room not far from the door, and she tried so hard to push that anger down as she approached, but she couldn’t, it was too much, months and months of fury bubbling up.

And it finally boiled over.

“This. This stops, now. You DON’T get to leave me without even asking, and then come back and expect everything to be the same! I’m not some kind of plaything to pass the time. You left, you all decided to do what he wanted, and I didn’t get anything. You decided what was good for me and didn’t even tell me why, and then you come back like that makes it all fine,” she could feel her voice rising, saw Jasper flinch just slightly as he felt the anger washing off of her in waves, Emmett’s eyebrows raising, and Rosalie looking almost impressed. She didn’t want to take her anger out on them, not really, but it had to go somewhere, and they let him go to her house, they let him continue to make these decisions without a thought for her. 

And Esme opened her mouth to speak, but she didn’t manage to get anything out before Bella started to speak again, standing straighter, holding her hands out to signal she didn’t want to hear it.

“You are my friends. That hasn’t changed. I won’t tell your secret, I promise, and I want you in my life. But it _is_ my life, and you all making decisions for me? That stops now. And you,” she turned then, a pale finger jabbed at Edward Cullen. The man responsible for all of this, and she suddenly needed him to know, needed him to understand what he did to her. But she couldn’t show him the months of sitting in her room, functioning like a zombie, feeling empty until that bright warmth the pack brought into her life. They had taken the cracked pieces he had thrown away and put them back together with gentle hands, until she felt whole again.

“You should never have made me responsible for your life. That was selfish, that was cruel. It was everything you said you weren’t. And I don’t care if you love me, you put that weight on me based off of some vision? I had to leave Charlie here, all my new friends, and run off to come save you. I never asked for that responsibility, I never wanted it,” she wouldn’t cry, though the tears threatened to flow. That wasn’t his anymore, she would rip her heart out of his hands if that was what it took. She would rip his out of his chest if that was what it took to make him stop.

Ironic, that he had done the same to try and protect her, only to leave her with a gaping, bloody hole.

She cared for him, of course she did, he would always mean something to her and she felt a sudden urge to walk into his arms and let him make her feel like the world didn’t exist anymore. But it did, and he had abandoned her in it. So she reminded herself what Charlie said, boundaries are important. This was her boundary, a line drawn. She had to start drawing them, otherwise, this would end so painfully, in nothing but tragedy in some sense. She couldn’t bear that. Sometimes, love isn’t enough, and that was ok. It had to be ok.

“Edward, don’t you dare,” it was Rosalie now, seeing the way his lips parted as though to say something, and Bella was surprised to feel Rosalie’s hand on her shoulder, not having heard her rise to walk over. “She has the right to choose. Do not try and take that from her.” there was quiet fury in the almost soft words, something unspoken, and Edward’s mouth snapped shut. 

She turned to look then, eyes meeting the taller blonde woman and she stood, a protective look on her face Bella had never seen directed to anyone but Emmett, not really. There seemed to be some unspoken understanding in the room. Rosalie’s words had been the final ones in this discussion, but Bella couldn’t understand why. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to know, there seemed to be some anguish hidden in Rosalie’s features, and all Edward did was nod, and turn around, going somewhere else in the house.

“Come on, Bella. I’ll look your car over,” there was something pointed in the look as she gestured in front of her, and Bella’s throat felt dry until they stepped outside, the cold air shocking her back to life, helping her find what she wanted to say.

“But you hate me,” it was blurted out, and she regretted it almost instantly, but to her surprise, Rosalie looked, and laughed, a musical sound, like the tinkling of a bell. It was genuine and kind.

“I never hated you. I wanted you to make the right choice,” her words were gentle, as though she meant it, as she made Bella pop the hood as she could look. “This is a good truck. I’ll see if I can do anything so certain people can’t tinker with it again unless they want to pay for a new engine,” that earned a snort from Bella. “I’m the best with cars, trust me,” it was still tentative, not entirely warm, but better than the ice-cold greetings of the past.

Finally, she straightened, and paused, for a moment. “Emmett will be sad if you don’t come and visit,” and a piece of paper was offered, a phone number. “It’s ours. I’m sure he’d like to see you even if the condition is Edward can’t be there.” 

Well, this was a development. “Sure,” she paused for a moment. “I think I’d like that,” Emmett had been like a brother to her, before all this, protective and friendly. He balanced everything, and she had missed him the most in those months. As much as she had loved Alice, she had a sister in Angela, she had no brother until she’d spent more time with Jacob and his friends. She needed that now, someone to just have fun with.

Rosalie nodded, it would’ve looked awkward if she was anyone else, and shut the door after Bella climbed in, taking care not to slam it.

Fucking weird day. Hopefully the last for a while. 

A weight lifted as she breathed out, letting herself enjoy the silence on the slow drive back. She’d never fully appreciated how beautiful it was here, how everything was so welcoming and homely, the trees inviting her in. She’d never considered the thought she could be truly happy here, had gone more to give her mother one less thing tying her down, but here she was, more at home than she’d ever been anywhere else in her life.

She half expected to see Edward at the treaty line, telling her not to pass, but there was nothing, no invisible barrier, nothing, and she felt almost weightless as she hopped onto the ground, enjoying the feeling of uneven earth under her feet. It was almost like it had been last year, almost carefree, but a scab had been pulled off now, but this was the first step to stitching it up once more.

“You better not be eating all the food without me!” she called as she climbed the porch, her voice cheerier than she really felt, hearing whoops from inside Emily’s house, finding herself surrounded by arms almost as soon as she entered.

“Dogpile!” Seth cried as he joined in, almost jumping to reach the other's shoulders to cling on before Leah shoved him.

“Told you he won’t stop bringing up dogs,” Jacob grinned at her, as he squeezed her extra tight as the others let go. 

“I supposed I’ve signed myself up for suffering then,” 

“Hey! It’s not suffering when it’s funny,” Seth pointed a fork at her face then, as Embry looked to be seriously contemplating letting his forehead have an intimate introduction to his forehead.

“I dunno, you suffered when I convinced you that you were adopted when you were five, and that was pretty funny,” Leah chimed in, leaning back in her seat, a lopsided smirk playing on her features, gesturing for Bella to sit down. “So, vampire girl, what brings you back?” there’s distrust in her voice, as her eyes glance over to Jacob. 

“I’m not the vampire girl anymore, and I’m not gonna vie with Emily for wolf girl, she’d wipe the floor with me,” she smiled at Emily then, earning her a mischievous wink in return. “I’m not property of either group, thank you very much. I figure it’ll be a bit more fun to live unrestrained for a while,” 

Leah’s posture relaxed, and she gently punched Bella in the arm. “Well, if you realize you bat for my team I’m sure we can find a suitable replacement for hair-gel leech,” she teased. “I do have impeccable taste.”

“I dunno Leah, you did choose Sam at first,” Emily mock-grimaced then, and Bella could tell Paul and Quil were trying incredibly hard not to start laughing. She suspected if they started they’d end up with extra patrol duty or something. Maybe even push-ups.

“Maybe that’s why she has impeccable taste now, I’m sure she doesn’t wanna make that kind of mistake again,” Bella offered, lacing her voice with complete sincerity, as though she was offering a helpful suggestion, and Paul and Quil finally broke, leaning on each other as they tried very hard to hide their shaking shoulders.

“You know maybe I don’t want kids after all,” Sam grumbled, though it only made more of the boys join in the silent laughter. 

Satisfaction flashed across Leah’s face.

“I hate you, Leah,” Embry managed to get out as he tried the hardest to contain himself. It wasn’t that funny, though Bella supposed there was something they knew through their pack connection that she didn’t. Possibly the actual break-up conversation between Leah and Sam, she was told that upon reflection, it was actually rather funny.

It was easy to settle back into the old routine, it felt simple, as easy as breathing. 

“Bella!” Seth grabbed her attention instantly. “We’re going cliff diving, and then having a bonfire this evening, you wanna come?” his eyes were gleaming with excitement.

“Sure,” she didn’t have anything better to do, though she’d have to call Charlie and let him know, she was sure Billy would let her use the phone, he always did. Charlie couldn’t text to save his life.

“You can meet our Charlie too then,” now there was a development.

“My dad has competition?” she leaned over then.

“Charlene Burkle, you remember her right?” Jacob asked before Seth could start talking, and there seemed to be some kind of bitterness there. But Bella did remember, she’d only met the other girl once or twice when they were younger.

“Yeah, she’s the one with the-” she waved her finger above her lip then, forgetting the word for the specific piece of medical equipment, “- right?”

“Yeah, that’s her. Moved out of town just before you moved in, some medical trial daddy Cullen got her into, guess she finished it.” Jacob seemed reluctant to give any more information, so she didn’t pry, didn’t press.

They were all allowed their secrets, after all.

“Cool, at least me and Emily will finally have some more backup against you and the Scooby gang,” she winked at Seth, who grinned widely, as there was a collective groan around the table. Well, she couldn’t let them get too comfortable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for taking the time to read this, i hope you enjoyed it! once again, this is not a hate fic on any characters because they all make mistakes, it just always bugged me that bella went through so much and forgave them so easily (though it may be in her character as she is a very compassionate person), so i decided to be a little self-indulgent in letting her put her foot down, and allowing edward to truly know what his actions did.


	4. remind me how it all went wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally finished editing this tonight so i thought i'd throw it up, this is the last of my pre-written chapters so bear with me while i work on chapter four! creds to kayak for helping me edit!
> 
> written listening to: flowers from hadestown, organs by of monsters and men, and white winter hymnal by fleet foxes.

For Charlene Burkle, oxygen was foreign, the way she could breathe in and it didn’t feel as though it was through a straw was a novel feeling. Lungs expanded and deflated so easily so now, so different from the struggle to grasp at air right in front of her. It was almost nostalgic, like when she was a child, before she’d gotten worse, before all the hospital stays and an oxygen tank following her wherever she went. But these lungs weren’t the ones from her childhood, and she ran a pale finger over a pink scar running across her chest, following the almost crescent shapes as she did. Her personal moon. Her body was made from the molecules of stars, it felt almost fitting. But not quite.

It was barely light outside, the dreams always woke her early. Dreams of hospital rooms, empty and quiet aside from the beeping of machines. That awful gasping for air when they’d taken the tube out, when she’d had to breathe on her own for the first time. It had felt like drowning, for a moment, until she breathed new life into herself. With nobody but her parents there to hold her hand as she squeezed as though it would keep her tethered to the world. It had, just about. Or perhaps it was ingrained in her now, from the routine of waking early to take medication, do exercises, use the machines to keep her alive just that short while longer.

Part of her was glad her requests for a visit were ignored by her friends, would they want to see that? Want to see the spit run down her chin and the tears brim as she struggled? No. She didn’t think so. It was why she hadn’t asked Seth and Leah. They had seen enough pain by then, had to attend a funeral for their father, had to watch someone they loved pass. She couldn’t imagine the panic that sight would bring. She hadn’t wanted that.

She hadn’t wanted to be alone either. She understood why they ignored it, she respected that. But she couldn’t help the resentment, the sadness that weighed her down. It was almost like drowning. 

_ Almost _ .

She tried not to think of it, tried to move through her day as though it didn’t exist. She couldn’t let it consume her. She’d tried a few times, driven towards them, getting so far before turning around and going back home. She wasn’t ready,  **how** could she be ready? She wanted time, needed the solace of evenings spent with nothing but the strange companionship music provided. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to share herself with them again. She wasn’t ready to watch the looks of pity when she had to tell them the ending of her time away.

That sting of guilt was the last thing she wanted to weigh on them, nor pity. Would they shut her out more? Try harder? She didn’t know which option was worse, really. It was an unknown, but she should be used to those, shouldn’t she? Her whole life had been filled with them, even now, an unknown.

Would she have five years? Ten? Join those lucky few who made it to twenty? Maybe. Or maybe things would improve, and she would get another set of new lungs, or maybe this would kill her before then. New lungs did not cure cystic fibrosis. The ending of her path was set, all she could do was enjoy the time it took to get there until she had to take the jump off that cliff and leave it all behind. Death wasn’t scary, not when you had grown up expecting it. Death was just another journey.

A breath, exercising the tender organs. Move through the day, medication, physical therapy exercises, work on rebuilding her strength. She hadn’t gotten to running yet. It filled her with panic, to lose her breath, to be unable to catch it. It felt too familiar, and she wasn’t ready to relive that so vividly again. 

Would she ever be?

And then the phone rang. Her parents were at work now, and she hesitated before picking it up.

“Burkle residence,” she tried to sound chipper, though the phone almost slid from her grasp as she got a reply.

“Charlie!” Seth. Of course, it was Seth, he knew everything, somehow. Or maybe he was the reason the phone kept ringing, left ignored most days as they worked on moving back in. Anyone who wanted to see them usually came over, not that there had been many visitors. A sick girl was a novelty, lost its shine after a time.

“Seth. Hi,” it sounded as awkward as she felt, and she winced.

“You didn’t tell me you were back already! Either you come down here tonight, and we’ll have a bonfire to welcome you back, or I’ll drag everyone up there.” it sounded almost like a threat, and she couldn’t help but laugh shortly, almost bitter. No choice now.

“Ok, don’t drag anyone up here,” they’d see, immediately, the way all the usual medical things were gone, obsolete for the moment. She didn’t want that, hopefully, they’d assume something else if they couldn’t see any clues in another direction.

“Good.” a pause. “I missed you, you know.”

“I missed you too. And Leah, and Emily.” another breath, a pain in her chest. “And the others,” it hurt. God, it hurt. And she wasn’t ready, she wasn’t ready. She’d never wanted this, any of it. Did they even want her there, or was it Seth using his puppy-dog eyes to get his way? Did she want to know? Almost.

Almost.

Finish the day. Auto-pilot. Move. Pack up some things to take. She had a gift for Seth, an old guitar. Well, old-ish. She knew he had a beat-up one Jacob had rescued from a scrapyard for him when Seth said he wanted something with character, but it was old, hard to tune, and she wanted to give him something, thank you didn’t seem like enough to convey how much his continued presence had meant to her in those long days with nothing but white walls and the beep of machinery to keep her grounded.

Drive. Stop half-way there. It was too much, and she gripped the wheel as she couldn’t push it down anymore, and finally cried. She’d told herself every day, don’t cry. Don’t _ fucking _ cry. It was pathetic, it was mean. They were allowed to not want that possible loss, they were allowed to leave. It wasn’t her place to cry, to be upset. It was always a possibility, always the chance that it would be too much, that doors would be shut, leaving her outside. 

She was so tired of being left outside.

Cry harder because she was gasping for air, again, those vines dragging her into the earth tightening around her throat again, and she hit the wheel, angry at herself. Why? Why the fuck did they matter so much? They shouldn’t matter so much, not anymore. They left, they didn’t even tell her why. This wasn’t her fault, it wasn’t her choice. She never wanted this. She didn’t ask for it. She should be able to chew these feelings up, spit them out, spit out the memories, stop letting them curl around her organs and veins like they were just as much a part of her as her new lungs. She didn’t know how, she didn’t know how to let it go. Why did it feel like molten metal down her throat every time she thought about them? 

Why did they fucking leave? 

Maybe they would’ve stayed if she hadn’t gone, fat lot of fucking good it did, it just sped up the inevitable.  _ Fucking _ Carlisle Cullen. It had all gone wrong, so fast, and now she was paying the price, over and over again. What did she need to do to fix it? To make it better? To stop people from leaving? 

Wipe the tears away. Calm down. Let that redness fade, even though her face looked foreign now without the usual almost constant cannula. Steady breaths. Drive again. Almost there. She could see them through the window, offering a weak raised hand to Seth as she saw him staring out of the window outside of Emily’s house. He was taller, she noted as he ran out to greet her, his arms crashing around her, a wave of welcome, and she hugged back, properly. 

“I’ve got a gift for you,” she sounded unsure of herself, unsure of this.

“I knew I was your favourite,” he was grinning, though it faded to shock as she pulled out the guitar case, holding it out.

“I got a new one, and you said you’d been practicing in your letters. I think this one has more character than something from a scrapyard too,” he seemed in wonder as he stared at it.

“Does this mean I’m gonna have to listen to that fucking song about following a pack again?” Leah’s groan was a welcome surprise, and Charlene smiled properly as she hugged her too, taking in the way her arms were stronger, her hair chin length like Seth’s, that mark of loss in the short style, and a not entirely unwelcome laugh passed her lips as Leah lifted her off the ground.

“Missed ya,” it was simple, comfortable, as though there had been no absence. Then there was the rest, and there was no simple step to fall back in line with there.

Paul and Embry, linking arms as they leaned on the fencing of the porch, Jared leaning against the door, offering a short wave, they’d grown far too much, she felt a little too similar to a garden gnome in that moment. Finally, Jacob, rubbing the back of his neck, avoiding looking at her. So they didn’t want her to come. Puppy dog eyes only got Seth so much leeway after all.

“I can go,” she offered Leah quietly. “If they’d rather.”

“But then you can’t meet Bella,” Leah said simply, taking her arm, offering a grin. 

Maybe that could be something new. Someone who hadn’t left, who didn’t look at her and only see a body riddled with sickness, could see more than an eventual ending. She’d heard so much about Bella Swan, it was almost hard to reconcile it with the brown-haired, heart-shaped-faced girl who almost hopped down the stairs with a smile. 

“So you’re the other Charlie,” Bella hugged her then, and it felt… nice. Almost natural. There was a warmth to her touch, and it felt like home.

“I think you mean the superior Charlie,” Seth chimed in, earning a snort from both of them.

“Well, your Charlie  _ does  _ have a nice mustache, my dad won’t shut up about it, I think he’s jealous. Tragic.” she made a face, earning a laugh from Bella. Yeah, maybe this could be something good. It was a distraction from the others, at the very least.

“So, a bonfire. You’ve must’ve been pretty missed.” Bella seemed to be searching for something. Careful, gentle steps.

“I don’t know about that. Probably just an excuse for Seth to force everyone to listen to him play some music,” sidestep, never give the full truth, don’t give too many clues, don’t open up too soon, don’t scare your new friend away.

“I didn’t think of that!” Seth cried with excitement etched into his features, and Leah groaned.

“Stop giving him ideas, soon he’ll start having his own, and then we’ll  _ all  _ be in trouble,” Emily called from the door, but she was smiling. “Let me grab my bag and we can go, Sam should have everything ready by then.”

Nod, jerky. Gather things from the car. Everything was a reminder, and it wouldn’t stop. It was her fault, her fault, all she did was cause trouble, disrupt everything. Breathe.

In. Out. 

Hands reached to take the folder from her, but she turned, and Jacob knew she was pretending she didn’t see as she almost jogged to catch up with Seth and Leah. It was odd, to smell the sickness on her, mixed with sadness, and anger. He hated that he knew that, hated that he couldn’t escape knowing more than he should now that he had changed. He’d seen it flash in her eyes as she looked at them, the same look he’d seen in Bella after Edward had left. That wasn’t his fault, it couldn’t be because of him. He’d had his reasons, it was the best choice, it was a clean break, the kindest choice.

Wasn’t it?

He linked arms with Bella instead then, and though he hoped she wouldn’t ask too many questions.

“You don’t seem very happy. I thought you two were friends.” 

“We… were,” the word felt foreign, almost like missing a step as you climbed a flight of stairs. “I stopped writing, while she was gone, after a while anyway,” he dropped his voice. “After I phased, the first time, and everything going on… I didn’t know if she was gonna come back,” he could hear the defensiveness in his tone, but it didn’t need to be there.

“Why?”

“What she has, cystic fibrosis, it kills you eventually. I guess whatever drugs they were trying out helped,” he had noted the lack of an oxygen tank, the lack of a cannula above her bowed lip. It made her face look different, a little rounder, more balanced. More natural. He knew before people had shied away from it, not that it had ever bothered her. Being sick never had.

So why was she so sad now?

An anomaly, healthier yet sadder. But it wasn’t his to pry into anymore. Even if he wanted to. He pushed it away, offering a grin instead.

“But hey, seems like we’ll finally get to hear what’s been driving Leah crazy. Apparently, Seth keeps finding songs about wolves to play. Sue finds it hilarious, Leah not so much,” not that she was really annoyed, Jacob could tell that, could tell she found it funny secretly, but he’d allow her to keep it to herself. For now, at least, there weren't a lot of options for blackmail when you could hear each other's thoughts.

“I’m sure it’s not _ that _ bad,” debatable when it came to Seth. 

The fire was roaring already, and he felt Bella’s muscles relax the closer they got to the warmth. Charlene sat on the opposite side of the fire from him, he noticed. She leaned over to Embry, and he could hear her ask about his hand clasped in Paul’s, asking when that happened. She sounded happy, her voice as gentle as ever. 

It seemed to bridge that break, at least, as animated chat began. But he watched, trying to find the clue. Why him more than them?

_ Because you knew her best _ . He pushes it away. No. He wasn’t to blame, they’d all left. Why should he hurt any more then them? Why should he be punished more? That wasn’t fair.

He just needed to explain. Yeah. He could do that later.

“So,” there was a sly grin on her lips as she leaned over to Seth. “What’s this about a song you won’t stop playing?”

“White Winter Hymnal!” he exclaimed.

“I know that one!” her excitement matched his.

“Play it with me?” he tilted the guitar case towards her. “I learned this cool clapping thing from a cover. Please?” and he broke out the puppy dog eyes. Jacob was pretty sure Seth could get literally anything with that face, as Charlene sighed and gave in.

He hadn’t heard her sing in years. She’d struggled, towards the beginning of her time away, air strangled as it escaped fragile lungs, they’d all been able to tell. But her voice still sounded clear, almost windchime-like, and Bella was right. Seth wasn’t as bad as Leah had claimed, and he hid his grin as Leah joined in, almost bored. She probably knew the words by heart by now knowing Seth, and Charlene grinned, trying not to laugh.

He could see Emily and Sam dancing out of the corner of his eye, Paul and Embry sneaking up to join them. There was something about Charlene’s voice that just made it worth it.

“Kinda ironic,” Bella giggled softly, and Jacob joined her in a grin. But Charlene wouldn’t know that, though she gave Bella a pointed look,  _ sing with me _ , it said, and he was surprised as she did. Charlene was good at that, infectious almost. And he joined too, almost reluctantly, but perhaps it would soothe the wound she seemed to blame him for. It had been like this, years ago, she pulled them into singing along wherever she could. Music was her home, like the forest was now theirs.

He could see Embry dipping Paul far too dramatically as the music stopped, and Charlene laughed.

“‘Least it’s not Kumbaya.” and she mimed vomiting. And that seemed to be it. The bridge no longer existed. Except for him, and for him it was falling apart, missing too many steps to cross.

“Hey, I wasn’t done dancing!” Paul seemed offended. 

“Give us another, I need all the blackmail material on Seth I can get,” Leah chimed in.

She opened that folder then, flipping through the pages. Something of her own creation, he supposed. She’d probably brought it to show Seth, let him pick something to learn. And she leaned over to hand it to the younger boy, pointing to parts, clearly meant for him.

It was faster, this one, more upbeat, and he could see her knee bouncing almost as though she didn’t realize it. It was the kind of love song that made your heartache with longing, and he wondered what inspired that, though he got a hint as she glanced at Sam and Emily with a smile. So they had written. Like Leah and Seth had. They hadn’t all left.

“What else have you got?” Seth asked, after they were done, trying to move through the pages, though Charlene took the folder from him.

“Nothing interesting. Hospitals are too depressing for good creativity,” there was something below the words, but Seth shrugged, content to leave it. There was something else he wanted to know first.

“So Bella, what’s going on with you and Cullen?” don’t give away too much, Sam would get pissed if he let their secret slip, or the Cullen’s. Seth had no desire to be on the receiving end of that.

“Uhhhh-” Bella looked suddenly awkward. “We… broke up, I guess?”

“He seemed a bit weird if you ask me. I could never tell if he was just pissed he got paired with someone who skipped a grade or was always having a bad day.” Charlene chimed in, chuckling. “Either that or he was just  _ really _ baffled by the sight of a cannula,”

Bella laughed this time, letting out a snort. “He keeps to himself, I wouldn’t take it personally. He’s… nice, really.” she chanced a glance at those around her, relaxing as there seemed to be no objection, though displeasure was written in many faces. She could understand that if it hadn’t been for the Cullen’s they’d have so much more than they’d lost from their arrival.

The conversation fell into a lull then, and Seth met Jacob’s eyes over the fire as he leaned his head against Charlene’s knee. He’d missed her, she was like another sister to him, and there seemed to be something playing behind Jacob’s eyes, almost illuminated by the fire. It was almost guilt, but not quite. It looked more like some kind of determination. 

At least it was something. So as the moon rose high in the sky, Seth linked arms with Bella to lead her back to her truck. “The most gentlemanly escort for a lovely lady,” he offered with a smug grin, earning him a smack round the back of the head from Leah as she passed.

“You wish,” she waited then, taking Bella’s other arm, as Seth glanced over his shoulder to see Jacob rising from his seat and walking over to his old friend as she bent down to pick up her folder. Jacob wondered for a moment if she’d stayed behind intentionally, if maybe she’d hoped he’d say something, so he kept his hand gentle on Charlene’s shoulder, trying to make his smile encouraging. 

“I’ll walk you back,” he got nothing but a shrug given in return, and he took his time helping her get her things together, letting the others get further ahead. 

“I’m-” he didn’t get to finish, as she stopped in her tracks, looking at him. She didn’t want to do this, not now, not really ever.

“Let’s not. Okay? Let’s just not do the whole, ‘ _ oh I’m sorry you’re sick, and it got too much for me but you look better, and now I feel bad! _ ’ thing. I don’t wanna hear it, Jacob. I don’t. I know it isn’t easy... for anyone, but I don’t think you thought about how hard it is for me. I’m the one that has to deal with it when people finally realize how sick I am. When they realize it’s this real, tangible thing. That I’m not gonna be here for as long as them. I get it!” she almost threw her arms up then, though they stopped half-way, and there was pain written on her face, she knew. She hated it, so she forced her voice soft, reaching out to take the folder he’d picked up for her, shrugging once more. 

“You made the best choice for you. But I’ve heard too many reasons why, I’ve heard too many justifications for it. And I’m tired. Alright? I’m tired of being too much for people when I’m not well, when it’s not easy to separate me from the illness. Because there is no separating it. There never has been. If you didn’t realize that and it got too much, that’s fine, but that was never my fault. You made me feel like it was. And that hurt,” and that was all there was to it, really. She didn’t need him to apologize, not really. What was the point in an apology delivered too late?

She’d been through this enough times at school, people who left when it got too much. She didn’t blame them, she couldn’t, but it hurt. Intentional or not, abandonment seeped into every crack of her world she thought was safe, even if they didn’t realize they were doing it. Her illness was a part of her, just as much as her eye colour, as the curve of her lips. And she was ok with that, but perhaps it was too much to expect of people who didn’t have experience with it.

“I should’ve written,” it was almost a mumble, and his hands found their way into his pockets, and her laugh was unnatural, short, bitter.

“Yeah. But you didn’t. And there’s no changing that. You made that choice, and it is what it is,” she tried to force the resentment down, felt it choke her throat. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t ok for her to be cruel. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t their fault.

But it was, wasn’t it? In its own way, they had decided to stare at a different sky to the one she did, decided that her sky wasn’t bright enough to continue to look at. The sky felt like concrete now. She just wanted to be enough for someone to stick around, to look at the inevitable tragedy and decide that knowing her was worth it, that her story was worth knowing.

He was quiet until they reached her car. He seemed to find his voice then.

“I am sorry. I wish I could explain, it’s not what you think,” how could it not be? She’d been through this too many times not to know it when she saw it.

“Yeah,” she wasn’t going to say it was okay. She couldn’t offer absolution if that was what he was after, and he shut the door for her once she was inside. His fingers lingered on the handle for a while longer, a concrete barrier between them. He could open it, he could open that door and try to tear it down, listen, really listen. Consider the possibility that maybe he hadn’t been right, maybe he had done the wrong thing. Maybe he had made a choice not so different from the one Edward Cullen had made. Hurting others to protect them. Or himself. It would be so easy to tug that door open, to ask her to wait, to invite her inside, to explain, to listen, to look at the fragile glass she seemed to have become and all the cracks glistening in it as they caught the moonlight. But maybe it would just do more damage, maybe it would just shatter that glass he’d already cracked so thoroughly, leaving shards at his feet. Pieces he had to pick up. He was so tired of picking up other people's pieces. So he let go, left the barrier standing. There was comfort in distance.

It was meant to be spring, everything blooming anew, a revival to the nature around them. So why did it feel so much like winter in his chest?

She tries to smile as he finally lets go of the door, but she can’t bring herself to offer a goodbye gesture. She tells herself to breathe. Keep calm. Push the pain away, don’t let it fester.  _ Do not rip your chest open to show others your bleeding heart _ . It wasn’t theirs to hold. They would only break it, every time.

Drive slowly, carefully. Get home to that quiet house. Pace, keep it together, keep it together. Keep it  **fucking** together. Finally scream into a cushion, because how else to get it out?  _ How else do you let out that anger that keeps building and building until you are falling towards concrete _ ?

Stand up. Figure out how to start again. Go to bed. Prepare for the nightmares. Prepare to repeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> working on chapter four at the moment, that's gonna be an edward focused chapter! i'd love to hear what you guys think of this so far, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent! thank you for reading, I'll see you guys for chapter four!


	5. days rush out like water from my lungs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a little longer than expected, but it's because there's a few canon changes i wanted to work in, and i took a lot of time looking through a lot of resources and posts about how certain canon elements could have been done better and more respectfully, and i drew my own ideas inspired by those. (i'll go into the canon changes a little more in the end authors note).
> 
> i'd also like to thank my friend alice for helping me finally finish this!

Edward Cullen was having an objectively terrible time of it. He had made his choices, put himself in this position. Love burned like a star, and it stayed in the sky for so much longer than the light truly shone. He had chosen to leave his love, and the light had slowly faded out from the night sky he had spent so much time staring at in those months away. He had thought it was the right thing, thought this choice was the best one possible for everyone involved. But he could see his mistake now, his own hubris was finally dragging him down to the Earth to swallow him whole, leave nothing left but a faded memory of skin shining in sunlight within her mind. He had made the decision for her. He had gotten so used to being in charge of decisions, it had been that way for so long; it was as easy as breathing now. 

But it was never really his choice to make.

Sometimes, you realise your mistakes far too late to fix them, and maybe marble skin could not bruise but it could certainly feel the sting of harsh regret setting down roots so deeply within his still heart that there would be much work to do to make it tolerable to the eye, a garden overgrown, he was lucky he had the entirety of eternity to prune the weeds.

He was a man of his time, that was without question. Edward would try and grow with the times the same way his siblings did, but when his head was assaulted by the voices of others at all times, it was hard to form his own thoughts, his own opinions, to grow and change from the ideals impressed upon him as surely as the circles that were just visible below the eyes were impressed upon his skin. Yet it was only visible to him, his siblings, for anyone without their eyesight he would look as close to normal as ever. Normal. What a  _ joke _ .

He had thought this was love in its purest form, but perhaps he had tainted it in his eagerness. He had lived so many lifetimes in his years, and she was innocent. She was pure. Bitterness held no place in her body, it could never take root within a mind as sweet as hers seemed to be, though he couldn’t see it for himself. Bella Swan had come into his life, and made it shine once more, burning brighter than anything he had seen before. He wanted to watch her shine, wanted her to remain in that beautiful night sky that no longer looked so familiar. It was almost boring, holding no wonder for him anymore. He had never wanted to watch her soar across it and burn out.

Perhaps he had never considered, not really, that for that to happen he could not be with her the way he wanted, he could not hold her so tight, to do so would only extinguish that beautiful light. He had wanted to feel his skin shine in the gleam of that beautiful light too desperately to consider that perhaps it would be better viewed elsewhere, by someone who wasn’t him.

He had thought he knew everything. Thought himself infallible. But, even Icarus had flown too close to the sun, even with the danger apparent. It seemed vampires were no better, maybe even worse so.

“Edward?” it was Carlisle in his doorway, because, of course it was. “I understand this must be hard. I know you loved her-” 

“Did I? Is it love when you want your happiness more than theirs?” his musical tone only hid the anguish a little, less than he had hoped. Less than he had wanted.

“You wanted to be happy with her. I would call that love, yes,” it was gentle, so much gentler than he deserved, than he wanted. 

If they could have, tears would have threatened amber eyes. He had lost the ability to cry long ago, had thought he would never miss it, not after the pain of his transformation. He had cried then, thought there were enough tears to last a lifetime. Of course, it wasn’t. How could it ever be enough to cover the millennia he would live though? But tears were not cement, and they could not fix cracks. He almost wished they could.

_ Almost.  _

He had begun to exist for her, really. She was the sunshine to his snow, melting that long set ice he had built up around himself in a wall so high even he didn’t have the heart to try and scale it anymore. 

“What do I do now?” did he want to know, really?

“You give her time. And, if she is willing, you begin a friendship. Love can take many forms, son, it is not simply romantic,” a hand found his shoulder, and he wished it was warm more than anything else in this world, wished for the feeling of fire against his skin like when her hand would touch his, comforting, grounding. But that was gone. Maybe it would return, but not soon enough. But no short stretch of time would ever be soon enough.

“What about the wolves? They’re not-”

“We have a treaty. Perhaps this is a chance for us to strengthen it, not destroy it through old prejudice,” Carlisle had always known so much more than he let on. So much control from so many years spent alone. “Maybe it would be a good idea to extend a branch of sorts, to Sam Uley. He was the one who kept Bella safe from Victoria and Laurent. Don’t forget that in your grief,” a short nod. It was the truth, really. They had done what Edward had let slip.

Carlisle seemed to know that there was nothing more to say, and with a short, firm pat on Edward’s shoulder, he turned to leave, as quietly as he had arrived. There was no need to hide in their home, to make those small noises that accompanied human movement.

Edward had thought Victoria would have been long gone, that she would have run until her legs could take no more after they destroyed James so completely, scrubbed him from existence like nothing more than a piece of paper burned, the history detailed upon it destroyed. The Cullen family did not tolerate harm to those they considered under their protection, did not tolerate the harming of others anywhere they could intervene safely not really. Even when they themselves caused the harm to an innocent person, they were forced to atone, to consider what they had done, to fight the urge to indulge once more in exchange for knowledge of who they had taken from their life. He had protected Bella in the wrong way, swapped the danger of them for the danger of an unknown. He would have let the world burn, and perhaps her with it, in his shortsighted desire to keep her safe. 

Perhaps he should have been willing to burn instead, willing to face those flames and the way they consumed everything until there was nothing left of him but ash to be carried away in the wind.

He knew how his family felt, their minds were books he couldn’t burn away. He knew how most of them just wanted to see him happy. Rosalie was a different story, an outlier from the rest. She hadn’t wanted to return to Forks, knowing how it would force what she saw as children to become wolves the same way their ancestors had. He could see how she looked at Carlisle with bitterness for not giving Billy Black a choice, for forcing them all to return. She had wanted as few ties as possible to this place, hadn’t wanted one in the form of another person she saw the future of. Hadn’t wanted the possibility a future could be ripped from Bella. But she didn’t seem gleeful at his pain, hadn’t rubbed it in his face. He barely saw her at all, really. Perhaps she was hiding her thoughts from him to spare his feelings.

Maybe he needed to hear it.

So finally, he moved from his bedroom, sunlight reflecting off that hard skin, designed to lure his prey in, everything about him designed to make people look past the odd stench of rotting things that came off him just slightly. Just enough to unnerve them. It was easy to make his way to the garage, seeing her working underneath a car. Her thoughts weren’t what he expected. Her mind was full of the inner workings of the car, walking herself through fixing it, improving it. She was always improving things.

“Rose,” almost a request, almost allowing her room to tell him to fuck off. But she was always there when he needed her.

She didn’t move from underneath the car.

“What’s up?” he tried to tune her mind out, now. It was a refined skill, much like his Denali cousins had refined the power among them, they had helped him refine his. There was no stopping reading minds, but he could reduce it to background noise well enough now.

“I…” how to find the words? How to make it make sense? Would she understand? She had to. “I don’t know what to do. I know, I made the wrong choice. I promise. I just don’t want to lose her entirely, but I pushed her away, into the arms of the wolves,”

A sigh.

“I don’t understand why you hate them. All of you. We’re the reason the new pack even exists. We didn’t give them a choice, and we’re certainly more dangerous. Is it any wonder they hate us, Edward? Their job is to protect, it’s why they can control their phasing so fast, all of that. And we’re a threat that people need protecting from, any one of us, especially Jasper, could snap in only a moment. You didn’t push her into their arms, they stepped up where you failed,” she’d never said it out loud before, not really. They were children, all of them. It had taken her time, after that first meeting, to be able to think about them and not go into fight mode. 

They existed to protect people from creatures like her and existed along with the whole host of other supernatural beings out there that didn’t take kindly to vampires. She remembered that meeting with the old wolf pack too well, how they had been calm and peaceful before the arrival of the Cullens, using their ability to protect themselves and their community from threats far less than the one vampires posed. And they had ruined that. The wolves did not exist simply because of their indigenous ancestry, though she knew her Denali cousins had originally thought otherwise, told them otherwise. The pack was simply made up of people, both those from the Quileute reservation and outside of it, even a young boy at the high school had phased after their arrival, and the longer they stayed the quicker it would begin to branch out to the wider areas around them, that hum of supernatural energy pushing more and more things forward to try and get rid of the Cullen family. Even in the supernatural world, they were far from welcome, far from accepted. Yet all of the wolves were nothing more than children without a choice. Just like she had been when Carlisle had found her in the street, a child, no choice in the future that Carlisle had chosen for her. 

She could see the pain written in the lines of Edward’s face as she finally slid out to face him, sitting up, arms resting on her knees.

“If she wants you in her life, she’ll come to you when she’s ready. If she doesn’t, then that’s all there is to it. Sometimes it’s kinder to let go of something you may see potential in,” if only she’d been able to speak when Carlisle had found her, been able to tell him that. But she hadn’t. And now she was stuck like this forever, just trying to find the joy in the small moments. “I know, you’re hurting, and that’s ok. But it won’t be ok forever, and you have to respect her decisions. You know the pack, and the rest of us, will all take care of her, even if she shuts you out. Try and find peace in that,”

What else could she say? What else could she offer? There was nothing, really. No water in the world could put out the ache in his heart, she knew that. “Let her  _ live _ , Edward. If she still wants you after that, she’ll come back,” she had thought the bond between Bella and Edward unbreakable, could see the depth of love within those brown eyes. But, they had placed too many burdens on her. Human bodies broke so easily, and their actions had broken Bella Swan, in a way. 

A nod, finally. He seemed reluctant, but she didn't push. She had no right to push, had no right to do anything more but offer a reproachful smile. There was a beauty in their existence she had fought to find, but it wasn’t one she would wish on somebody with so much time left to use up. Limited compared to their endless existence, sure, but maybe that was what made it so exciting. Living with a time limit was something that fascinated her endlessly. There was beauty in endings too, but that was so often forgotten, and as Edward left, she let herself fall back to the ground, sliding back under the car.

Mechanics were her happy place where she could think of nothing but the engineering. If only she could get her hands on Jacob Black’s motorcycle, she knew she could do wonderful things to it. He was by no means a bad mechanic himself, and she wondered for a moment if only the hatred didn’t exist, maybe they would’ve been friends. He had a passion for creating things, working them to perfection in his eyes.

Perhaps it was why his bike ran so smoothly as he worked down the road to Bella Swan’s house. He wanted to spend time with her, to see Charlie Swan again. He needed a distraction, something to stop him replaying Charlene’s words in his head over and over. He wasn’t the bad guy. He needed to be someplace that didn’t remind him of things that made him feel like he was. He had had so few good options, only being able to choose between the lesser of the evils laying before his feet.

Good choices were only possible when they were options in the first place. And they so rarely were for Jacob Black. So he had decided to run faster than the reminders and consequences of the mediocre choices littering the trail behind him, decided that walking away was better than facing a fallout he had never asked for, never wanted. Bella was safe from that, he had made mistakes with her, but at least she knew the truth. She had understood why he couldn’t tell her about what he was personally, but he had given her enough clues that she could get there easily. It was all he had to offer, all his hands could hold out to her, and she had taken it so carefully as though it was the most precious gift she had ever received, she had made him feel held, if only for a moment.

And as it appeared in his line of sight, the house felt like home, even the sight of it, just as much as his own home did. This was a place where he felt like himself again, like the teenage boy who loved Star Wars and just wanted to live that he had been not so long ago. Not a boy who had been forced into the burden of protection far younger than he wanted, far sooner than anyone had expected. He hadn’t been asked. He just wanted someone to ask what he wanted, just once. Perhaps that was why this felt like a home, Charlie Swan always  _ asked _ , always cared.

And he does as soon as Jacob opens that door. Wonderfully predictable Charlie. “Hey, Jake! What ya doing?” there’s a smile on his lips, one Jacob takes comfort in, knowing it is reserved for him. Jacob had known Charlie since he was a child, and at least that was something that the Cullens couldn’t take from him, they couldn’t replace him here. Couldn’t be seen as better, as more. Charlie Swan saw Jacob like his own son, in a sense, and it was a peace Jacob could retreat to when the world became too loud, too harsh. 

“Just thought I’d come see you and Bella,” he offers with a smile of his own, a smile reserved for Charlie and his father only. It’s then that something snags his sense, and he pushes it down. Act normal for Charlie, for now. He could investigate when he was out of sight, when he didn’t have to pretend there was nothing different about him now. 

“Thanks, Jake. She’s upstairs if you wanna head up,” a short nod, and Jacob hears the unspoken invitation to stay as long as he wants and offers a nod back as he turns away. The snag turns into a violent tug the more he climbs the stairs, an unfamiliar scent, something draped in the smell of rotting meat and fruit, bleached beyond recognition. It was disgusting, engulfing, but it wasn’t Edward’s smell, he was used to that by now, even that of the other Cullens he knew like the lines on his palm.

This was something new, and for a moment, Jacob wondered if that was better or worse. To know there was someone new in the mix, perhaps the familiarity of the Cullens would be better, perhaps knowing Bella had returned to them would be an easier pain, more familiar. Not this extra weight that now there was a new threat, and they had been here, in this house, with the people he considered family.

He’d never know how Bella could stand it, though he knew that the smell wasn’t as intense to her, to any human, it was more like a tint to the air around them. But surely here, in her own bedroom, she would’ve known? Perhaps not, perhaps she was too used to it after the visits from Edward at night. Perhaps to her, the stench was so deeply ingrained in everything she owned it never left her. Unlike Edward.

He knew she hadn't noticed it immediately, when she had that same bright smile on her face upon seeing him, greeting him like the sun does the sky each morning. “Bella, someone’s been in here,” he tried to keep his words even, gentle, trying to avoid that deer caught in headlights effect. And she laughed, she honest to god laughed.

“Nobody but Charlie comes in here, Jacob,” she was too confident in herself, in her own safety. 

“No, Bella. I mean a vampire has been in here, and not one of the ones we know of. Is any of your stuff missing?” perhaps that could offer clues, a compass pointing towards the culprit.

“Jacob, you’re being ridiculous. The only thing missing is some of my shirts, but it’s probably just Charlie doing laundry. You worry too much,” and she looked concerned for him. For him, not herself, not her own life, not the fact her house has been invaded, for him. One day her big heart was going to get her killed.

“Bella, I’m being serious. Someone has been in here. I know how all of the Cullens smell, even Victoria, but I don’t know who this is,” he threw the gentle pretense away then, his words lower, his tone firm. She had to listen, and he placed his hands on her biceps gently, impressing the seriousness of the situation through the soft pressure.

And that did it, made her listen, and he watched that pale face become paler, the freckles on her nose standing out against the rest of her features. “Why would someone be in here, Jacob? Charlie was here, they could've hurt him.” he could see the panic set in, see it just barely hiding behind her eyes, noticed that small eyebrow furrow. He knew her face as well as his own, knew the lines and expressions so well. He’d had to learn, those months where Edward had abandoned her, had to figure out exactly how to make those bad moods better. He was used to it, learned it from his sisters in a way, as they had taken care of him, allowed him to still be a child while they were forced to grow up too fast, and had picked it up to care for his father. It was never a burden, it never could be, to care for those he loved, to make their lives gentler, and it felt all too easy to move to pull her into his arms, trying to reassure her it’s going to be ok. 

“We’ll figure it out, ok Bella? I’ll talk to Sam, and we’ll figure something out. I promise, we wouldn’t let anything happen to you, or Charlie,” he’d never broken a promise to her, and he had no plans to start now. Not with something like this. Even if he wasn’t entirely sure it was a promise he  _ could _ keep, he knew he had to.

“I can’t put him in danger again, Jacob. Not like with James, that was bad enough. Having to leave him to go and save Edward... I can’t do that again,” he remembered all too well, even if he hadn’t known everything with James, he had seen how close Bella hovered to her father for those weeks afterward and heard from his own father how Bella almost never left Charlie’s side, had practically begged him to consider another job besides his current job as an EMT, knowing every time he stepped foot in that forest to help someone he might never come out. He had seen for himself how torn Bella had been at leaving her father to prevent a death being tethered to her soul, a weight added to her shoulders.

He had known why she was going, made her explain why she had to go, and he had promised they would keep Charlie safe while she was absent, and they had. They would do it again, they would always do it, for Bella and anyone else that needed it. He had thought it love, at first, thought that was the reason he wanted to keep her safe, wanted to protect her so intensely. Maybe it was, but he knew now, she didn’t love him the same way, and it would be cruel to expect, to push that onto an already heavy heart. Bella deserved some time to live free of the supernatural world, but it seemed she had been pulled in so deeply it was tied to her.

Yet all ties could be cut, one way or another. It was just a matter of figuring out how.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you for reading!
> 
> so, the major canon changes. the first one regarding the wolf pack: i reworked the reasoning they exist (aka it being they just do, because supernatural creatures exist, and some of them happen to be people from the Quileute tribe) after doing a lot of reading on how smeyer's portrayal and use of the history and culture of the tribe was incredibly inappropriate, disrespectful and exploitative. it's dehumanizing an already marginalized group, and it's something i wasn't comfortable writing.
> 
> the second one, charlie's occupation. while in book canon he was the chief of police, i didn't really feel comfortable including that in this fic, and from a narrative standpoint, to me it makes more sense for him to be an EMT (who volunteers as a park ranger in his spare time, go Charlie). this won't change much, but i just wanted to address that too!


End file.
